Christian Parenting. What's the Difference?

So for those of you who don’t follow me (Jess) over at my personal blog, you may be unaware that I haven’t recently self published my very first book. (Due for release mid June, you can pre-order a copy here).

Since doing that, I’ve been answering lots of questions about what is the book about, what is it’s purpose and so forth, and the one question that has really struck me is this: What’s the difference between Christian Parenting, and normal parenting? 

Asked, by a non-Christian. 

It’s a good question really? Is there a difference? I guess there should be, but what is it? As I started to talk about an extra emphasis on morality and the reason why, I felt like I was missing something. 

The quest for moral children is not just confined to the Christian faith. There are many people of all differing belief systems, (or not), who aim for a high level of morality in their child rearing. And just recently I spoke to someone who had had the most horrific of child hoods, and even she said her parents were fastidious with teaching manners and a basic respect. 

Even if they never practiced it. 

Besides that, we’ve all seen beautifully behaved children from absolutely terrible families, and then some absolute little horrors from those Christian homes as well. 

So Christian parenting is not that different at least in that respect. 

Do Christians enforce a higher standard than their unbelieving friends? 

Possibly. 

Do we emphasise different qualities as important and un-negotiable? 

Most definitely. 

Do we honour virtues such as honesty and kindness and respect for elders as a standard that must be maintained? 

Of course we do. 

Or should. 

But that in itself does not make us different from the rest of the world. It probably just makes us a little bit different from the person across the street. 

So what then, is Christian parenting? 

Why should there be books on it, and why did I, of all people write one? 

One simple difference. 

Eternity. 

What we do today, has repercussions for forever. 

Years ago, when I was an idealistic teen, I wrote a production called Jesus in Jeans, which was a modern view of the crucifixion story. We made a mechanised foam, denim cross, that travelled down the aisle, and then was lifted to the stage. 

Right in the centre of the T, there was a Velcro’d bit of denim that was removed to read a sign underneath. 

Right where the body of our Lord and Saviour would have rested. 

A black sign, with florescent pink writing, that would shine under the black lights with brilliance, reading that one word: Eternity.

   

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Our God is an eternal God. He always has been, and always will be. When everything else will fail and become nothing, he will remain always the same.

Constant and perfect and impervious to natural decay.

He is forever.

And He has created us in His image. We were meant to live forever with Him, following Him, and having relationship with Him. Jesus’ death on the cross was not so we could hang out with him for a few years on earth before our bodies turned to dust in the ground. His view was big picture in the extreme; he was dying for an eternity with us.
Literally.

His focus was always on the future and what would come, and as Christian’s it’s imperative that our focus be the same. Eternity is not something that happens after your dead and buried. Eternity is now. Today is the first day of the rest of our lives and beyond.

How we live today, has the potential to change our’s or someone else’s forever.

So bringing it back to parenting; eternity is the difference. Yes as Christian parents there will be days when we do not like our offspring very much, and would just like to write that time period off the calendar. There will be times when we just enjoy the moment, and focus on the good, or possibly pull ourselves through the hard and depressing.
But most of the time, our focus needs to be on the future. Not just the immediate future (as in how quickly can I get this kid to bed so that I can have some time to myself), but the eternal future. 

Considering how our words and actions are influencing that child, and what kind of eternity will they have?

Will they see the truth of the gospel in our lives, and long for that more than anything?

Or will they wonder what the point is and chase their own ambitions?

But even more crucial to the point; will they be the kind of people who see the value in living their life with an eternity mindset? The type of children who grow and want nothing more than to fulfil the great commission set by their Saviour, because they realise that everyone should have what they do.

That everyone should have what we do.

Eternity is the difference.

Jess blogs at EssentiallyJess

Hidden in the Heart

When I was a little girl, my mum used to read me Bible stories every night. I had the most wonderful picture bible (I've sadly never found anything as good for my own kids), and a collection of Little Arch Books that threatened to take over the book shelves of our homes.

It helped that I love to read. I remember pouring over those stories, and reading them time and time again. It's how I learnt about Elijah calling fire from Heaven, and later being taken in a chariot, leaving his cloak with Elisha.

I remember reading about Esther, and Ruth, and Sampson taking on the Philistines with the jaw bone of a donkey. Cain and Abel fighting, Laban tricking Jacob into marrying Leah, and Jonah running from God. I was amazed by the leadership of Joshua, and the courage of Rahab, hiding the Israelite spies at risk of death.

I absorbed those stories, soaking in their magnificence and imagining a world where God does everything really big and obvious, wishing that I could see something of that myself.

It was the best way really I could have grown up; believing the impossible and trusting that the same God was still around now, ready to do something equally awesome.

But whilst I was reading stories, something else was being planted in my soft little heart. The Word of God. As I grew, and the stories grew longer and more convoluted, filled not so much with grandeur but the realities of life, I learnt more and more about the character of God.

Yes He is magnificent and huge, but He is also graceful, and forgiving and full of mercy.

My heart was captured by His beauty, and I began to fall in love with Him.

My first, and ultimately life-long true love.

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I've been very blessed in many ways. My heritage has allowed me to learn of my Saviour ever since I was a babe in arms; it's something that is easy to take for granted, but has set me in good stead through all my days. Even the ones where I haven't lived like I believed.

The other day I was reading in Psalms, and I came across this verse:

I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you. Psalm 119:11
It was the same one I read as a young teenager, or maybe older tween. A verse which someone had prophesied over my life. It was obvious to all that when it came to God, my heart was soft. I wanted nothing more than to please Him, and His word was in me. 
It got me thinking about my own children. What I do in order to hide the Word of God in their heart?How often do I speak the truth so that it penetrates? Do my explanations reflect the very heart of my King? Are the words I am speaking to my children, the words of God, breathing life into them, and making them hungry for more? 

For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.

Hebrews 4:12

It's more than just reading Bible Stories, though that's a great place to start.

And it's more than just living by example, and hoping our kids grab the truth by Osmosis.

There's a need to be purposeful and driven. To immerse the Truth of God's Word in our own hearts to such an extent that when we talk with our children, that is what comes out. So that there is no wasted opportunity, no moment of our lives when God does not receive the glory.

⁵ Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. ⁶ These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts.⁷ Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Deauteronomy 6:5-9

It's something I definitely feel challenged to do.

How about you?

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Enough

It's been far too long since we have published here on the Hill. Between the five of us there have been babies born, international reallocations and husbands working away. Add to that the 17 kids between us, and as you can imagine, we are all very busy ladies.

My mind in particular has been busy lately. I've been finding it hard to sleep.

I go to bed, completely exhausted, and it seems as soon as my head hits the pillow, my brain kicks into overdrive. I think of the most wonderful life changing ideas when I'm lying in bed, begging sleep to come.

Ironically, this seems to be the time of day when I hear God clearest. I don't know why, to be honest. It's not like my mind is still really, or I'm thinking any less than during the day.

Maybe it's just because this is the only time of day He knows when little children are not likely to interrupt.  :)

So anyway, last night, I was on the verge of sleep, and like always, my mind wandered back to the page of my book I had been editing that day. I had written about fears; in particular my fear that I might never be enough for my children. That I might say the wrong thing, or not spend enough time with them, or maybe yell a bit too much. That I'll be so preoccupied with my daily to-do list I'll forget to worry about the eternal side of things.

I worry my children will grow and make bad choices. Terrible choices that will hurt themselves or others. That they will blame me. That I'll be one of those mothers that they cringe to spend time with, and try desperately to be nothing like.

I worry, I won't be enough.

And then, last night, when the house is dark and quiet, and Boatman's breathing has deepened, once again, I hear God speak.

'No. You are not enough.'

And with that truth, the weight lifted off my shoulders. 

I am not enough. I am an imperfect person who will make a thousand mistakes between now and whenever. 

But He is enough. 

He is strength in my times of weakness, mercy in my judgement. 

He is compassion in my frustration and patience when my temper flares. 

He is Eternal when I am temporary; consistent when I am sporadic, all knowing when I am uncertain.

He is everything that I am not, and all the good that is in me at the same time.

I am not enough to bring my children to perfection, but by His grace, I walk with the One who is.  

Time with God: a life-changer

Spending time with God, in prayer and Bible reading, is something I've never done as well as I would like. Of course, I have known how important it is to spend time with God, but there has often seemed to be something more urgent, more pressing. I've never been good at prioritising the important over the urgent. 

Pre-children, I had a reasonable routine going with Bible reading and prayer. I got to it more often than not and I learned a lot from God's word.

As a mother of small children, things have gotten harder. There is always someone or something competing for my attention. Other parents of small children will know what I mean. When it comes to learning from God's word, I have been... what's that saying?... living on the fat of yesteryear. When it comes to prayer, it has often been a last resort - what I turn to when nothing else is working.

Yes, I've had wonderful times with God since becoming a mother. Times when I have realised my weakness, my incompetence and my vulnerability before God, as I have felt like a failure as a mother. Times when I've found my only true source of strength and joy in knowing Jesus. Times when I have had to cry our to God for wisdom, and patience. I've also had some particularly dry times with God since becoming a mother. I've had the times when I've felt simply too tired to open my Bible, or when my mind will just keep wandering during prayer. I've had times when I've been simply too stubborn, or too hard-hearted to pray. Times when I want to do every task and solve every issue, and glory in every triumph in my own strength.

More recently, I've struggled with anxiety and control. I've tried to use my own strength and my own wisdom, my own time management skills to stop my anxious thoughts. I've wasted weeks without opening God's word (apart from at church or Bible study) and without any specific prayer time. And I've failed.

While my heart has not been in a particularly great place during these anxious times, a big part of the problem was that my most recent prayer/ Bible schedule was not working. It became a deteriorating cycle: stubborn heart - less time with God - less desire for time with God - more stubborn heart. I used to try to sit down for some time in the middle of the day, while my children 'rested'. I would become resentful when my children (in particular, my son) did not afford me any uninterrupted time. I became discouraged that God would not clear the path for time with Him. I began using my quiet time to bargain with God, that he would make my son sleep in the middle of the day. Guess what? It didn't happen!

With accountability from my Bible study group, and a re-reading of the Elizabeth George book "A Woman after God's Own Heart", God awakened me from apathy. I've found a more fruitful quiet time at night, and a new system for prayer. It takes a bit of discipline, but, by God's grace, it is (mostly) working. I turn off the computer, or the TV and head to bed just half an hour earlier than usual. I read about one chapter from God's word.

I use the Bible to begin prayer, praising God for I learned or was reminded of in the passage I read. I use a notebook to jot down my prayer points (and keep myself awake!) as I thank God, and pray for my husband, and children, family and friends, and church, and ministries and myself.

I'm not heavily involved in ministry outside my house these days. I do not lead Bible studies, or Sunday school, or Scripture classes, or youth groups. There are others who are more suited, whether by their gifts or their life situations, to take those roles. This stage of life is serving God by loving and honouring my husband, and loving and teaching my children above anything else. And, in the quietness of being at home most nights (like I never was pre-children) I'm also discovering the ministry of life-changing prayer. Being removed from the busyness of "doing" ministry has allowed me to spend more time acknowledging my complete dependence on God and his control over my whole life. It has allowed me to see more answers to prayer. (That tends to happen when you actually pray more!). The more I see prayer answered, the more I am encouraged to pray... and so on.

I know firsthand the challenges of having time with God when our children are little. I have struggled with trying to stick to a rigid ideal, when flexibility is required. (I will probably have to re-jig my schedule again when I have a newborn again in a few weeks). I have struggled with trying to "do" time with God perfectly, when an imperfect time (reading a shorter passage, or cutting prayer time down, or spreading prayer time across the day) is often called for. The wisdom of friends has been invaluable. One friend reads just a single verse in the morning, then meditates on it all morning. She reads another verse at lunchtime and meditates on it in the afternoon. Other friends listen to the Bible on CD. Others listen to podcasts of Bible talks... flexibility.

How do you spend time/ make time with God? What other ideas have you heard? How do you go with prayer?

Making Time for God

As a mum of three girls under four life is busy. I often feel like I am bouncing from one thing to the next never achieving the things I set out to do. If I am not changing a nappy, then I am picking up toys or wiping up a spill or responding to request after request for drinks and food. 

Even though as a minister’s wife, our family’s life revolves around ministry it is still easy to get caught up in the busyness of life and neglect my relationship with God.  What I find the hardest is keeping regular with reading the Bible and praying. I get so caught up in doing, that I fail to stop and hear what God is saying and ask for His help.

Last year, after struggling to regularly read the Bible I decided to find an app that I could download to my phone. I chose an app that provides a schedule to be able to read the whole Bible in one year. I generally try to read the sections of the Bible at night before bedtime and during the day if I want to read the Bible it is always on hand.

Just a little bit behind but at least I am reading it.

When I was younger and didn’t have kids I could sit quietly and pray for long periods of time. Now, with small children this is a thing of the past. Now I pray as I go and have a shorter prayer time after reading the Bible at night. I would have to have 20 minutes of quality prayer time but having small children won’t last forever and one day I will be able to pray like that again.

I have always seen the value of contributing to the church and being involved in ministries. Of course it helps build up the church but I have also found that it grows me and by being involved with the church I feel I am a part of the church community. For me, just meeting with church people for a couple of hours on a Sunday is not enough time to develop relationships and to be able to care for others and be cared for.  My involvement in the church is also important to me as it is a way I can model being a Christian to my girls. I want them to see that I am living what I am teaching them from the Bible. When they look back on their lives and me as their mother, I want them to be able to see how being a Christian impacted my life. If I don’t make reading the Bible and praying or meeting with other Christians a priority they are unlikely to either.

Even though being a minister’s wife means I am always at church it doesn’t make it any easier to keep my relationship with God strong. I still struggle with the busyness and distractions of being a mother to small children. I am thankful that God knows my struggles and loves me anyway.

Has being a mum changed the way you relate to God?

Homesick

Three and a half months ago, my family upped and moved to Japan. My husband is a scientist and completed his PhD over 3 years ago; part of being a credible scientist with a PhD is to do at least one overseas stint, so here we are in Japan. It has been such a huge journey to get here - at least 2 years leading up to our moving date was full of preparation to varying degree, including applying for fellowships (salary grants), researching Japan, eventually being asked to apply for a job here, applying, finding a house, packing, culling, storing, selling. Moving.

It was hard saying good bye to family and friends, as I'm sure you can imagine. But I am so grateful for social media allowing me to share photos and stories so easily with them all! One big thing I was worried about was losing my support structure - my parents, our sisters, his grandparents, lunch dates with my bestfriend. As a mum to two little kiddies, this was so important to me - these people kept me sane! And sure, I miss them all like crazy, but I've surprised myself by actually doing alright. Most of the time!

What I didn't expect was to miss my church community so much. My Tuesday mums' group, being on the worship team, and even though I spent most sermons in the creche, I missed the incredible atmosphere of fellowshipping with other Christians.

Finding a church here has been a bit of a journey. We tried one that took us about 45 minutes to get to via bus and train, but it was just too far and starting at 11am and not finishing until almost 1pm was just too much for the kids. We found a Lutheran church that only takes fifteen minutes via bus and a short walk and even has a 9am children's service. This is perfect for us - earlier service, short service, simpler Japanese for my husband to follow - he speaks Japanese virtually fluently, me barely any but I can stumble along with the simple hymn book for the songs. The pastor is lovely and does speak a bit of English. They have been so lovely and accomodating to us bumbling foreigners, and it is where we will go for the next 3 years. And I've always said that if we were to move somewhere else in Australia, I would be happy to go to a Lutheran church - and here we are in one in Japan!

But I miss my church community. I had no idea how much I relied on it to give me the strength to keep going in these crazy years as a stay-at-home mum  when time is short and chances to sit and journal and worship in my bedroom are but a memory. I miss the powerful worship - I'm very musical in the sense that the music itself speaks to my soul; it breaks through my walls and leaves me gasping as I become vulnerable before God. I can read most of the words of the children's hymn book at church and can sing along, but I have NO idea what I'm singing. I'm trying to learn to make up my own words of worship, but I'm also trying to control at least one of the kids at the same time...

I'll leave you with this song by Mercy Me that can put this longing inside into words better than I can about how I feel so adrift without my church community...

- Alyce -

All images taken by me and sourced from Instagram feed.

Disappear

If you know the answer, why do you still ask the question?
I keep thinking these thoughts lately, lost in a haze of depression induced fuzziness.

As a Christian, I am adequately equipped to withstand any kind of assault the devil tries to hurl at me. That's biblical. The devil, well, he is below me.
Greater is the One in me, than he that is in the world. You know the verse. (1 John 4:4)

By this reasoning, I do not have to be depressions victim. Or anything else's for that matter.
I have the answer.

So what do I keep asking the question?
Why do I allow those faulty feelings and negative thought patterns that are the complete antithesis of what God says to be true, rule me and control me? Why is it easier to believe the constant soundtrack of 'you failed again,' that is on repeat in my head, instead of realising that I am a daughter of the most high God, and covered by the blood of His Son Jesus Christ?
I do not have to be bound by anything; the power of the cross has set me free.

And yet....

The last few days, all I've wanted to do is disappear.
Cease to exist.
Just not be .

I've been sure that I can do more for God by not being around, because let's face it, I am so far from being any kind of wonderful, burning shining light at the moment, I'm not convincing anyone this is the kind of life you wanna live.
It would probably be better for the cause of the gospel if I just lay down and went to sleep.

However, for some reason, God has put me on this planet in all my ridiculous, infallible humanness, and so I have to believe that possibly I can do something halfway decent for Him.
I feel I ought to try anyway.




So my idea of disappearing evolves, and changes.
Rather than the cessation of my existence, I hear the words of a song over and over and over again.
'Wish I could disappear,
Inside You,
Disappear."

That's all I know.
Dunno who sings it or when it was published. Three lines, a constant refrain.
A prayer and a hope.
To disappear; but not quite.
Not a disappearance into nothing so much as an absorption by something else; that something being the Spirit of God.

This morning, as I drove in the car, clear as a day, I heard God challenge me on something. 'Lose yourself in Me,' He whispered.
It's an appealing idea.

What about, instead of being caught up in my drama and seratonin deprived grey matter, I threw myself into God? Reading His word, praying, prostrating myself at the feet of my Saviour, and loving Him, just for Him.
Not cause I need it (though God knows I do,) or because it's the Pre-requisite in a whole bunch of things religion tells me I must do in order to live a life that might one day earn me 'well done good and faithful servant,' but simply because of who God is?

Pretty radical idea that.




If I, Jess, a broken shell of what I know I could be, what God made me to be, stopped trying to sleep through my life, but instead threw myself after God, ran after Him, chased Him down and tackled Him like a full forward on grand final day, what might be the result?
How might I change?
How might the world change?

Maybe, just maybe, I'd stop asking the question, and just point people to the answer instead.